Learn how to compromise with a stubborn childDear Debbie,
I need help and I need it now! My daughter Trisha is almost five. She is a great little girl by all accounts except one. She is such a sore loser! She needs to win every single game she plays. I have had other little girls crying and wanting to go home before the playdate is over because Trisha is such a terrible loser. She just needs to win EVERYTHING. It seems that if I say one thing she automatically says the opposite and than won't give in until she wins. The other moms are mad at me, too. I worry that no one will want to play with us.
Yikes!
Dear Yikes,
Sounds like Trisha knows her own mind and in the long run that trait will serve her well. In the meantime, I have several ideas that I think will help her compromise. First, you will need to model compromise in your relationships with Trisha. You may have to set these scenarios up but they will serve as learning tools for your daughter. How about this: You tell Trisha that for bedtime tonight there will only be one book. Trisha wants three. First you behave stubbornly: "No, only one book and that is it." Trisha will most likely argue back and that will give you an opportunity for compromise: "Well, how about if we read two books and that way we both win." She may or may not buy it on the first try, but stand your ground: "Two books are better than no books." It is important to help her understand you are making a compromise so you both can win and be happy with the decision. Find other times when you can use compromise with Trisha. Once she has an understanding of that, you will be able to tackle the larger problem of her need to win with other children.
Now let's look at another suggestion: I know we all have a tendency to let our children win when we play games. We want them to have feelings of success so we cheat a little to make sure they come in first in Candyland or draw the right match in Go Fish. Come on, we all have done this and, while it's okay once in awhile, children will have a difficult time learning to lose. If children are not prepared to handle the disappointment of losing, they will never really enjoy those legitimate winning moments. It is our job as parents and grandparents to play games with our children and teach them the rules of good sportsmanship. I suggest playing cards and board games as a starting point. These games are short and sweet and can be played over and over again in one play session, so you both have an opportunity to win and lose. Again, you have to model good behavior for both winning and losing.
Finally, I would set up short playdates with one child at a time. Three or more children at a time may be more difficult for Trisha to manage right now. You have to be involved in their play or at least be within sight and sound of the children to intercede. I would suggest playing games with the children and again modeling good sportsmanship. When Trisha loses and begins to have a problem, remind her that we cannot win all the time. Also, talk about how much fun the game is and that it is not important who wins. What is important is playing with your friends and having fun. If the situation is still stressful, suggest a different activity that does not involve winning or losing (like arts and crafts, taking a walk or baking). Most importantly, make sure the playdate ends on a good note. Ultimately, you want Trisha to have good friends who want to come back and play again.
Just one more thing: Let the friends' moms know you are working on helping Trisha be a good sport. Once they realize that you are aware of the problem, they will help you make the situation better for everyone. Listen to their ideas too because, believe me, Trisha is not the only child who has ever had a problem like this. Now go find Trisha, give her a hug, and start playing!
Until next time be well,
Deb
The "Ask Debbie" monthly columns on parenting issues are written by Deb Cohen, associate director of the Early Childhood Program at the Springfield Jewish Community Center. She holds a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education.
Do you have a question for Debbie? E-mail your inquiries to dcohen@springfieldjcc.org or send your inquiry to Debbie Cohen, Springfield JCC, 1160 Dickinson St., Springfield, MA 01108.
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