Per se
adv. [L] (1572) : by, of, or in itself or oneself or themselves : as such : INTRINSICALLY
How did this simple, mostly legal term, creep into her professional, yet personal, psychobabble? Some use "like" or "ya' know" when time is needed to speak. Time to think. Time to feel. Yet, not really. "How do you feel about that?" A simple query. "How do you mean, per se?" A complicated and vacant response. Feel Something!
Over time, people develop fences to feeling. Some of us look to them for comfort only to find confusion and evasion. Never heard a stonemason use "per se" when answering a question. The baker, the trash collector. All feeling people. People who will tell you where to get off. Where to go. But, not how to feel.
"Why is it that you never call me? Visit me?" A rather straightforward question. Silence! I refuse to break the uncomfortable, disquieting pause. No response. You can know, however, that when the proper fences are erected they will be mortared with "per se." "What the hell does "per se" mean?" Let's define our terms. Anger, Hurt, Fear, Shame? Pick one. Feel one. Express one, per se. Say something. Anything! Lose "per se."
"Do I cause you to feel uncomfortable?" "You mean, physically? Not per se." "Then, how?" I don't really expect the answer from within. She can't respond because she doesn't know. So I sit there, no closer than the fifteen years that separate us. Thought we had an understanding. Think I frighten her. Scare the hell out of her, per se. Cause her to feel, per se. So, what to do? Nothing! Accept where she is, who she is, and move on.
It's sad for me. I always felt we were close. We're not. We are so far apart that there is no chance that her team will get up to bat. And, even if they did, she'd strike out, per se.
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