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> Features > Ask Debbie > Birthday bully
Birthday bully Dear Debbie,
I have a problem that is just getting more troublesome as time goes on. I am having a birthday party for my son, James, who will be turning three very soon. He has some wonderful friends he would like to invite and of course some family. The problem is with one of our neighbors.
The children play sometimes and James would like to invite this little fellow but the child can be rough and I do not want a problem at the party. His parents will be there too, but they do not see their son as being aggressive, so they do not help him stop the behavior.
I want to do the right thing by inviting the children in the neighborhood but I am concerned about a birthday bully. Hope you can help.
Thanks,
Birthday Blues Mom
Dear Birthday Blues,
I can see that you do have a problem here. You want a nice party for your son and a birthday bully will certainly put a damper on things.
Firstly, let's determine what it is about this little fellow that your son finds enticing. Ultimately we want the two boys to play well together so understanding what it is that James finds interesting about this child will help.
Ask James what it is that he and this little boy like to do together. Chances are the boys start out playing well but the games disintegrate over time. Ask probing questions that might lead to a better understanding of when things get out of control. Hopefully you will learn that James gets upset when his friend will not share toys, or is being pushy. Once you learn where the problem is you can step in to help.
The next time the boys are playing in your house or yard, be watchful for the first move toward poor behavior. Step right in and let both boys know the house rules. You might want to say something like, "In this house we have rules that help us be good friends. One rule is that we share our toys. Another rule is that we do not hurt our friends. That means we do not use our hands or feet to hurt anyone."
Ask the boys to share their ideas about being a good friend. Accept whatever they say and modify it to fit your house rules. For instance one of the boys might say "No throwing toys." That is a great rule, don't you wish you had thought of that one!
Tell the boys, "Yes that is a great rule, that can be one of our rules too." Making them part of the process will help them to comply later on. This will take time but trust me it will help in the long run.
Speaking of which, that was a long way to get to an answer about the birthday party.
You are right to feel the need to invite your neighbors to the party. A neighborhood friend is always nice, so finding a way to keep a relationship going is a good thing.
When this little boy comes to the party you should take him and his parents aside for a brief reminder of the house rules. Let them know how happy you and James are to have them there but that the rules are still the rules. You might want to go over them again just so everyone is clear as to your expectations.
If something happens and the bully behavior comes out, look to his parents first to see if they want to intercede. If not, you will have to step in.
Quietly and quickly let him know that the rules are for everyone. Tell him that everyone wants to have a good time at the party, including him, and that you need his best behavior in order for that to happen. This should only take a minute or two, so you can get back to enjoying James' party too.
If the behavior happens again, you will have to lead the child over to his parents and ask them to watch him as he plays. Again, let the parents know the house rules and that you want everyone to have a good time, including their son. They may be upset about having to watch their son but this is James' party and you need and want to be there with him.
This might be a good time for a change of activity and there is nothing that a little cake and ice cream won't fix, so gather up friends and family, and James of course, blow out the candles and celebrate another wonderful year!
Until next time, be well,
Deb
Debbie Cohen is the Early Childhood Associate Director at the Springfield Jewish Community Center. The JCC is a constituent agency of the Jewish Federation of Greater Springfield and of the Community United Way of Pioneer Valley.
Do you have a question for Debbie? Email your inquiries to dcohen@springfieldjcc.org or send your inquiry to: Debbie Cohen, Springfield JCC, 1160 Dickinson Street, Springfield, MA 01108.
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