|
 |
> Features > Ask Debbie > The politics of 'yes' and 'no'
The politics of 'yes' and 'no'Dear Debbie,
We are a group of friends who have a playgroup once a week in each other's homes. There are six children, two boys and four girls. They range in age from 2.5 to 4 years old.
In our discussions, we came up with a question for you that we hope you can help with. Even though our kids are slightly different ages, we have the same problem with getting our kids to listen to us, especially when we say no. Some of the kids even think it is a joke when we say no. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks, from a group of tired-out moms.
Dear Moms,
Having a playgroup with your children is the best thing you ever did for both you and the children. The children are learning to socialize and you have created a ready-made support group for yourselves. I am sure you have shared many tried and true methods for everything, from toilet training to helping your children sleep through the night. Advice from good friends is always the best. Since I consider myself your friend, let me share some advice, too.
One of the very first gestures a child learns is to shake his/her head "no." Early on children learn the power of words and there is no more powerful word than no; thus, this becomes one of their first words.
The nine-month-old who shakes her head to let you know she will not eat even one mouthful of strained carrots learns quickly she has the power of no. The toddler who takes off his hat time and time again no matter how insistent an adult is has learned the power of no.
The three- or four-year-old who will not put down his toys and come take a bath has truly mastered the power of no. Now it is time for you to take back that power!
Children often appear to have selective hearing. The word "no" is one word that is rarely heard, but often said. One of the best things we can do to make this word better heard is to make "yes" even louder. Let's try to fill the children's environments with "yes opportunities." Look around your homes and play areas make them "yes" places to be. Before you tell a child no, see if there is something you can do to manipulate the situation to make it a "yes."
For instance, you are at playgroup and the trucks are the most favored toy. Having only one truck available creates a "no environment," whereas having many available is setting up a "yes environment."
Here's another one: your child likes to pick out her/his own clothes but you would rather he/she not look quite as eccentric. Giving your child a choice of two outfits allows the child to be in a "yes situation" rather than a situation where you both end up frazzled.
When a "no" would be in order, but probably not well received, try redirection: Rather than "No, don't touch that," as your child is approaching Great Grammy's antiques, try "Ohh ... look at this! Come here and help mommy with Grammy's 'Tupperware' dishes!" The more enticing you make the "Tupperware" sound, the less enticing the antiques will appear.
Another (dare I say) trick that might work is the old fashioned whisper. Children can often ignore the loudest "no" but will immediately hear the tiniest whisper. Children are instinctively curious, so the whisper will draw them into you and away from the no situation.
There are times, however, when you absolutely need to use "no." If the children are in danger, "no" is the word. If you have rules in your house that are absolutes, then "no" is the word. But I caution you, the more you use "no," the less it will be heard.
Well, my friends, give these tips a whirl and remember, we would all rather live in a "yes" world than a "no" world.
Until next time, be well,
Deb
|
|
|
|
|
