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> Features > Ask Debbie > Children aren't the only ones who need friends
Children aren't the only ones who need friendsDear Debbie,
This is really a question about me. My family and I are relatively new to the area. We have been here for about a year. I take my four-year-old boy, Connor, to preschool. He is doing fine but I am not. The other moms seem to know each other from last year and have themselves become friends. The children like Connor but the moms look right past me. I am not the pushy type so I stand around at drop-off and pick-up times, smiling and mostly talking to the children. When I try to talk to the moms they are interested for a moment and then talk to each other again. Connor is going to kindergarten in the fall with these same families. He will be fine as he already has friends, but I need friends too. Any suggestions?
Lonely Lady
Dear Lonely,
I am so glad that you thought enough to write to me and look for some help. I think that with some work on your part you will find that you will have just as many friends as your son.
You are right, I am sure that the moms in the preschool have know each other for a long time and have already become friends. But that does not mean that you have to stand on the sidelines waiting to be noticed. You tell me that Connor has lots of friends so let's start there. Let Connor be your entryway into gaining some adult friends. Choose one of Connor's buddies and invite him and his mom to join you at a local restaurant for a quick lunch and a trip to the park. If she says that they are busy do not take this as a defeat, offer another date or say that you will call her and set something else up. Then be brave enough to make the call. Remember, this is going to take work on your part.
Meanwhile, approach another mom and child pair until you have found a couple to go out with. Unless a mom suggests that she bring along another friend, try to keep this as a one to one play date. The important part of this play date is for you to get to know the mom and make some connection with her. During conversation, lean forward and smile to show that you are interested in the topic.
Talking about the children is a great starting point. As a matter of fact, because summer is right around the corner, you can start by asking her what summer plans she has made for her child. People love to be helpful so she will be happy to tell you about summer activities in the area. Let her know that you appreciate her recommendations and that since the boys are such good friends at school you would like to continue that friendship over the summer.
Remember that people love to talk about themselves so ask questions about her family and other activities that she enjoys. I am sure you will find that one of her interests will match one of your own. If not, then again be brave and challenge yourself to try one activity at a time until you find the right one. Your goal here is to find some connections with other adults to build your social circle. Once you find an activity that suits you, you will find other like-minded friends.
Here are a few more suggestions to get you started: Think about things that you enjoy and look for classes that match those interests. For example, if cooking is your thing, then look for cooking classes at local community centers. If reading makes you happy, there are many book clubs in the area (check with your local library for help). Take an art class at a local college you may find a talent you never knew you had. We all could use some exercise, so sign up at a gym and make friends while you workout. Lastly, take Connor to a playground. While he plays, make small talk with the other parents, find out when they frequent the park and meet them there. Before long, you will be enjoying a host of new activities and friends.
Until next time be well,
Deb
Debbie Cohen is the Early Childhood Associate Director at the Springfield Jewish Community Center. The JCC is a beneficiary agency of the Jewish Federation of Western Massachusetts and of the United Way of the Pioneer Valley.
Do you have a question for Debbie? E-mail your inquiries to dcohen@springfieldjcc.org or send your inquiry to: Debbie Cohen, Springfield JCC, 1160 Dickinson St., Springfield, MA 01108.
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