Everyone plays an important role in adjusting after divorceDear Debbie,
I have a complicated question that I hope you can help me with. My son Henry, who lives with me, has been divorced for more than two years. He has two sons from that marriage who are the love of my life. The boys are six and nine and live with their mother. Henry has joint custody of the boys so he does see them regularly and is a big part of their lives. The boys live with us two weekends a month as well as most of the summer. I think the boys have adjusted well up to this point.
Here is the problem: Henry has met a new woman and seems to be very interested in her. I like her well enough, but I do not think the boys are ready for their father to be in a new relationship. How can I tell Henry that this is not the woman for him, while still being a supportive mother?
Thanks,
Mother Knows Best
Dear Mother,
How lucky the boys and Henry are to have you in their lives. It sounds like you have provided a safe haven for the boys and your son while they regrouped after the divorce. It also sounds like Henry is ready to venture back out into the world of dating. I can only imagine how hard it is on all of you to think about another change in your lives. Let's look at this from all three angels: yours, the children and Henry.
Remember that Henry is a young man who needs friends his own age to socialize with. This is as important to the boys as it is to Henry. This will help Henry de-stress and be ready to give his "all" to the boys when they are together. Henry also has to remember that the boys have been through a great deal and they do not need to meet every new friend their father makes. Henry will need to tread lightly when he is ready to make a commitment to a woman. She needs to be introduced to the boys and you as a close friend of daddy's. The boys are old enough to read between the lines but everyone has to move slowly to build a relationship between the boys and their dad's girlfriend. Over time she may become a welcome addition to the boy's life, but this will happen on its own timetable.
The boys have to feel secure in their dad's love. They have to believe that, no matter what, they will always come first in their father's life. Henry can do this by having special time with just the two boys. He can and should become involved in their school and social lives. Dad also needs to keep his relationship with their mother open and friendly so as to keep the boys feeling safe and well loved by everyone. No one should have expectations that the boys will fall head over heals in love with dad's new girlfriend. No one should expect that the children will look to this new woman as a mother figure. All that we can expect from the boys is that they are polite and respectful of their dad's friend. How nice it will be for everyone if the relationship grows into a deeper bond but again this will take time and effort on everyone's part.
I can understand how your son's relationship with this woman is troublesome to you. You are an important part of the family's lives and you have every right to remain so. I am thinking that you are worried that your son may be jumping the gun and getting involved too quickly. You might also be feeling that this new relationship is going to push you out of the picture. Your job as mother has changed over the years as you watched and helped Henry grow up, marry and then divorce. This is just one more change that you are going to master. Talk to Henry about his new friend and ask him how you can be helpful to him and the boys. Be supportive, give gentle suggestions, and be willing to trust that Henry will do what is best for the boys.
Your job as grandmother is also yours forever. Your job as confidant, storyteller, homework helper, cookie maker, and best friend will always be yours. Even if Henry and the boys move out and live on their own, your home will still be their home. There is nothing like a weekend at gramma's house and I have a feeling a weekend with you is the best. Keep the key under the mat. You never know when I might show up!
Until next time, be well.
-Deb
Debbie Cohen is the Early Childhood Associate Director at the Springfield Jewish Community Center. The JCC is a beneficiary agency of the Jewish Federation of Western Massachusetts and of the United Way of the Pioneer Valley.
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