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> Features > Ask Debbie > Nip sibling rivalry in the bud
Nip sibling rivalry in the budDear Debbie,
I have two children. Justin is 7 and Matt is 4. Justin used to be so excited to help and play with Matt but now it is just one big scene after another. My husband and I try to give them each special time but honestly I think Justin hates his little brother. He seems to take great pleasure in making Matt cry and me miserable. We are going to visit family in late August and I am just so embarrassed to have them see Justin acting like this. Is there anything I can do to make Justin like his brother or should I just keep them apart as much as I can?
Referee Mom
Dear Referee,
Put the boxing gloves away, I think I have a few ideas that will help. From what you tell me Justin was perfectly fine having Matt around up until recently so let's look at how the boys have been changing and how that has influenced Justin's behavior. When Matt was a baby, although you needed to be with him constantly, he did not pose much of a threat to Justin in regard to your praise. Justin was the "big boy" and accomplishing many developmental milestones that were making both you and he proud. He had mastered the toilet, could run and jump, play ball, feed himself and was even beginning to dress himself. Justin's language skills were also developing quickly and he was saying adorable things that made you and your husband laugh. You simply could not get enough of Justin and as far he was concerned Matt was just going along for the ride.
Imagine Justin's surprise when Matt started taking some of that attention away from him. You can almost hear him saying to himself "Hey, what's going on here? One minute I was the go-to boy and all of a sudden Matt is pushing his way in. Well, no way!" Let's help Justin realize that while he is still your big boy who is accomplishing great things, Matt is also an awesome little boy who is learning and growing too.
I bet that even while the boys are pushing and shoving, Matt looks up to Justin and wants to be just like him. Find ways to let Justin know this. Try something like this: when Matt is wearing one of Justin's hand me down outfits say to Justin, "That was your favorite shirt when you were Matt's age. That is the shirt you wore the first time you caught the ball dad threw to you. You just would not take that shirt off. I hope that someday Matt will be as good a catcher as you are." What Justin hears is Mom thought I was a cool little kid and still thinks I am a cool bigger kid. This lets him know that mom and dad see him as an accomplished boy who is capable of doing even more great things.
Another idea is to point out how much Justin has changed and grown in comparison to Matt. When Matt is learning a new skill such as how to write his name, remind Justin about how hard he worked at getting the letters just right and how proud he was of himself when he accomplished that feat. Maybe Justin would like to help you show Matt how to write his name. Give Justin kudos for his participating, and encourage Matt to thank Justin for his help. The idea is to find ways for Justin to show off his skills while helping Matt gain confidence in his. Find fun activities for the family to do together that are non-competitive, such as biking or baking cookies. Speak kindly about each child to each other and give them time to find their own unique place in each other's lives.
I know we all want our families to live in harmony but the push and pull of siblings is common and often the fodder for fond stories latter in life. I love my brother dearly but still remember how he would take off all my dolls' heads and hide them; matter of fact, I am still missing some!
Until next time be well,
Deb
Debbie Cohen is the Early Childhood Director at the Springfield Jewish Community Center. The JCC is a beneficiary agency of the Jewish Federation of Western Massachusetts and of the United Way of the Pioneer Valley.
Do you have a question for Debbie? E-mail your inquiries to dcohen@springfieldjcc.org or send your inquiry to Debbie Cohen, Springfield JCC, 1160 Dickinson St., Springfield, MA 01108.
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