Teach your children what bullying is and how to change behaviors |
|
Dear Debbie,
I need your help with my two boys, Aaron (5) and Stephen (8). They are so mean to the other kids at the playground. They gang up on the smaller kids and no matter how much I yell at them they will not stop. Then when we get home, Stephen picks on Aaron until he cries. I am afraid they are going to get in trouble in school. What am I supposed to do?
-Mixed-up Mom
Dear Mixed-Up,
I am really proud that you had the courage to ask for help with your boys. Most siblings argue from time to time at home (even us grown-up siblings) but you are right to be worried. These behaviors sound very much like bullying and that just can not happen.
I think the most important thing we forget to do for our children is to give them a clear definition of "bullies" and "bullying." A bully is someone who uses words or their bodies to make someone else feel small and threatened. Bullying behavior can be in the form of words: "You can't be my friend 'cuz you are too skinny (fat, tall, short, etc.);" "You are so stupid;" "Give me your lunch or I will beat you up;" "You can't sit here, only the cool kids can sit here;" or in the form of actions: pinching, pushing, punching or any other physical action against someone else.
Most bullies are not confident in themselves and need to make themselves feel powerful. They do this by acting aggressive toward children they perceive as weak.
Think about the kids on the playground when you were young. Remember that poor child who was the "Monkey in the Middle" whose jacket was being tossed just over his head between two other children. I get queasy just thinking about it. Those other children were being bullies. We as children just looked the other way happy that we had not been targeted. The adults on the playground thought this was just kids being kids. Well guess what? For the child in the middle this was frightening.
Your job is a tough one but certainly important. One, you need to explain to the children what bullying is and be clear that their behavior is worrying you. You need to let the boys know that their behavior looks like bullying and that you will not allow the behavior to continue. Give the boys concrete examples of what you have seen and how the behavior is hurting other children. Ask them how they would feel if someone was teasing (hurting, scaring) them. They may tell you they would not care but deep down you know they would not like it. Ask Aaron how he feels when Stephen is being mean to him. He may show some bravado but with some prodding I bet he will admit to being unhappy with his big brother's behavior toward him. He may be copying this behavior on the playground to win the approval of Stephen so that Stephen won't pick on him anymore.
The next step is for you to take action. You can no longer stand by and let the children bully others or each other. Tell the boys that from now on when you see the bullying behavior there will be consequences. You need to decide how best to arrange those consequences but at the playground I would suggest one warning to stop the behavior. If the behavior does not stop, you must leave the playground. This may feel like a punishment for you too, but it is the best way to show the boys that you mean what you say. I would guess that one or two times of actually taking the boys home from the playground, they will get the message loud and clear. Believe me. The children and the parents of those being bullied will admire you for your determination in doing the right thing.
The bullying at home has to stop too. Yes, all siblings rough and tumble at home, but no one is allowed to make others feel insecure and frightened. Explain to both boys that the bullying will stop at home and that the consequence of bullying will be no TV (or no basketball, etc). The hardest part of this is the follow through. Once the boys know you mean what you say, they will think twice before acting out to truly hurt each other.
I have to wonder what is making the boys feel the need to bully others. I need you to do some close watching to make sure that no one is bullying them at home or at school. I would ask that you give them some extra time and find out what things really interest them. Maybe get them involved in a hobby where they can gain some mastery. This would give them something to feel confident about that would bolster their self-esteem.
Whoa! Talk about standing on my soap box. I love all children and whenever any of them are hurting, I hurt too. I feel for both the bully and the victim. It is my hope that we as adults can model and guide our children into become adults that care about each other and the world around them. You, dear, Mixed Up Mom, are taking one giant step in the right direction and I commend you.
Until next time, be well,
Deb
|
Comments From Our Readers:
|
|
|
