Insiders expose tips, troubles of online dating

Feb. 7, 2011

By Katelyn Gendron

Assistant Editor

Valentine's Day, otherwise known as "Singles Awareness Day," has never been a lucky 24 hours for me.

In the eighth grade I was primed to go on my first official "date" to a hockey game with a boy named Brian. My mother, our chauffeur for the evening, could not be dissuaded from meeting his parents prior to the game. After a successful meet and greet, she broke her ankle stepping off his front porch in her four-inch stilettos. Brian and I had an awkward evening, and needless to say, an awkward relationship, after that.

Four years later, my then-boyfriend, Jason, broke up with me on Valentine's Day and went on to date our mutual friend, Michelle. They're now happily married with two young children.

Eight years and numerous underwhelming relationships later, I decided to bite the bullet and try online dating last January as "research" for The Reminder's 2010 Valentine's Day edition. This year, I've compiled my experiences, and the testimonials of others I've met through the online dating circuit, to clue our readers in to the comical trials and sometimes heartbreaking tribulations of courtship in the 21st Century.

The good, the bad, and the perverted

Enter: John, 29, of Chicopee. John and I met last year thanks to the assistance of Match.com. We went on numerous dates throughout the course of a few months but ultimately decided that friendship was a better fit for us.

He's one of those rare "good guys": a polite, handsome, well-educated working professional who is thoughtful enough to bring you all the fixings for root beer floats when you've had a bad day on the job.

Popular misconception dictates that good guys like John wouldn't have to turn to an online dating database to find love because he doesn't have the profile of a desperate man. Well, let me be the one to burst the bubble of popular misconception: there are deadbeat dads and loser girls everywhere, but they're not the only people online.

Like Meghan, 30, of Holyoke, I was at first one of those women who refused to try dating online because I honestly believed that only desperate, lonely people turned to that medium. Meghan, who married her eHarmony match last summer, proved we were wrong.

"Back in 2007, one of my best friends was really into online dating. I would always rag on her for doing it," Meghan recalled. She finally gave in to her friend's urging for her to try eHarmony and Yahoo Personals — now operated by Match.com — in February 2007.

"Going online, it was really just for fun, it was not to find my husband but it turned out to be a really great experience. It totally changed my life. I moved out of Central Mass., and I have a whole new family [of in-laws here]," Meghan said.

She credited eHarmony for pairing her with "a good match right from the start." eHarmony uses a 29-dimension compatibility algorithm to match users based upon their profiles and answers to questionnaires.

"A lot of guys are on eHarmony because they are really serious about finding somebody ... the [guys on] Match.com and Yahoo Personals are looking for a hookup," she said.

I've got to say that in my experience with Match.com has been a mixed bag. I've spoken to and met some men who want to be in committed relationships, others who are just looking to get busy in the back seat of their cars and a few that think sending me picture messages of their "endowment" is a good idea. My advice: don't do that! It's disgusting and a total turn off. Needless to say, I rejected their advances.

Cautious optimism

Gladys, a 29-year-old divorcee from Chicopee, isn't convinced that online dating is the best way to meet Mr. Right. Gladys, who chose not to use her real name, has been dating online since June 2010. She has tried paid sites such as eHarmony and Match.com, as well as the free alternative, plentyoffish.com.

"I think the benefit of the paid sites are that people take it more seriously. The ones that are free, [users] just seem to go on there to hook up, " Gladys said. "Between eHarmony and Match, I think I've met the same amount of people. I like eHarmony better because you can't 'wink' [at a person like on Match.com], there are steps to guided communication."

Match.com, which touts the highest number of users of all dating sites, allows its 20 million subscribers to wink at, e-mail or instant message those they're interested in, while also allowing them to search by specific criteria such as ethnicity, education level, income and body type.

Pete, 29, of Chicopee, who has used Match.com for a total of seven months throughout the past three years, cautioned that some people misrepresent themselves in their online profiles.

"Most are looking for meaningful relationships but others are on there for the wrong reasons. Some say they're ready to move on when they're not. You can write anything online. You can say that you look like a model and you look like Shamu," he said.

Pete, who is now in a committed relationship, courtesy of Match.com, explained that urging by friends, coupled with time constraints due to professional commitments, prompted him to turn to the online dating forum. He used Match.com's levels of compatibility, along with profile photos to determine whether or not he would communicate with potential matches.

John, who started dating online more than 14 months ago, called such forums the "ice cream social" of our generation.

"I'd just broken up [with my girlfriend] and I wanted to put myself out there," John explained of his turn to Match, eHarmony and okcupid.com. "You can actually talk to people. I'm not a nightclub person. I don't have that great opening line. In that time, I've met a lot of cool people and become friends with some but I haven't found 'the one.'"

John disagreed with the validity of each site's matching algorithm. "There's no real matching to it. You just look for someone you are attracted to. People don't even read your profile. If I see a picture and I don't like what I see, I probably won't read the profile," he said.

"I think compatibility [algorithms] are amusing. But in a lot of ways I wouldn't mind having someone who is different [from me]; different can be a good thing," he added.

John cautioned that different can sometimes bring out dissimilarities that cannot be overcome. "I've met people who are polyamorous. I'm not interested in being a 'primary' or 'secondary' boyfriend ... there seems to be a lot more of those people on the free sites," he said.

The fairy tale

If you are part of the demographic still clinging to the belief you'll meet your life partner serendipitously, I say good luck, because you might be in for a long wait.

I always thought I'd meet Mr. Right sitting next to him on the subway or bumping into him at a crowded party. I wanted my story to be that epic romance novel that would entertain my grandchildren at bedtime.

What I've come to realize since joining the workforce after graduating college in 2006, is that professional and personal commitments are overwhelming and they don't leave a lot of time for sleep, let alone dating in the traditional sense. Furthermore, it might just be that meeting online is serendipitous and makes for a romantic, if not quirky, story.

If I marry my boyfriend, who I met through Match.com, our grandchildren will hear about how we both went against our usual "types" — mine, a tall, dark, white collar professional male and his, a short, pencil-thin female — and how I refused to give him a shot, initially. Truthfully, when he first winked at me on the site I sent back a "thank you but not interested" reply because he didn't fit into the Prince Charming mold I'd foolishly created in my mind.

Our potential grandchildren will learn how grandma was wrong, but only rarely wrong mind you, and that the person she thought went against her typecasting turned out to be the best man for the role.

To all you single guys and girls out there I say, keep an open mind because you never know whom you'll find out there in the real world or in cyberspace.

For all those lovebirds out there, I'm happily playing for your team this year. So here's to hoping that this Valentine's Day makes up for all those other lousy ones!

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