Jack & The Beanstalk for the New Millennium
|One day a neurotic young man named Jack |
took to the streets to sell the family cow.
This was the first time his mother, a certified control freak,
let him leave home on his own
since his father disappeared on his way to commitment therapy.
On the way to market Jack met a bean salesman.
This guy could spot a victim a mile away...
Hell, the cow had more self-esteem than this kid.
He was a classic type "A" personality with a big quota to fill
So, Jack traded their last farm animal for some beans.
"These three magic beans will bring you
riches beyond your wildest delusions,"
the salesman assured him.
Having read the book "Think Yourself Rich"
Jack was susceptible to delusion.
He swaggered home with a false sense of pride,
Completely unaware that his mother
had found her inner bitch.
She threw the beans out the window
and screamed, "You're just like your father!"
That night, Jack fell asleep reading "Co-Dependent No More."
Tossing and turning he dreamed
dreams filled with phallic symbolism.
"Freud would have a field day,"
Jack thought with a blush.
In the morning he opened the door to leave and
Slammed right into a giant vegetable.
"I hope this beanstalk is more than just a beanstalk,"
Jack whispered, and started to climb.
When he reached the top,
he thought his acrophobia had brought on hallucinations,
for he had never seen cornstalks as high as the Empire State Building.
"Fe, fi, fo, fum,
do I smell the blood of a dysfunctional son?"
Jack fell to the ground in a fetal position
repeating the mantra "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
He needn't have bothered for the giant had Lilliputianitis,
and had run back to his castle.
He'd had this aversion to tiny people since 1984.
His psychotherapist diagnosed "fear of intimacy"
but in truth, he was henpecked.
Fighting a panic attack,
Jack followed the craters left by the giant.
Standing at the King Kong sized castle door, Jack felt depressed.
Having kicked his prozac habit,
he thumbed through his book of affirmations.
He was about to knock when he saw it:
A smaller door cut out of the bigger one - just his size.
Paranoid thoughts started creeping in, was this a trap?
No, stop over-analyzing everything, he chastised himself.
Once inside, Jack braved a peek around the corner
and spied Mrs. Giant cooking dinner.
She cut a cucumber, then washed her hands.
She sliced a tomato, then washed her hands.
She chopped a green pepper, then washed her hands.
A typical obsessive-compulsive, Jack thought.
"Jack, dinner's ready," she said in a giant's whisper.
Terrified of confrontation, he turned to run
and smacked right into a man - just his size.